In a slump

Today's one of those days, I guess. Started off kind of crappy. I had bad dreams. The kind where people were being mean to me but acting like they weren't and then I even yelled at a friend in a dream and told her to F-off. Whoa. I don't think I've ever done that in real life. In addition, slept kind of crappily b/c Joshie did. He's coming down with a cold or something and was all tossy-turny.

Then I went to the gym. At first I felt good. Maybe I look better in that shirt I was wearing, but then, it happened. Other women appeared. One was way smaller than me (but still plenty buff) and I wanted to look like her. Another woman came in and was definitely skinnier than me but hugely buff. And I wanted to look like her. My doughy arms lost all their impressiveness in comparison. (But then there was a skinny, skinny, skinny woman with tiny little balls of muscle on her scary arms and I didn't want to look like that.) There usually aren't very many women in the weight room of my gym. I guess I prefer it that way so I don't have to look at them and compare myself to them. I'm sure I shouldn't but whatever! It makes me realize a bit better how Josh feels. Lord knows there are all sorts of different forms of insanely buff men in there - from small and buff to HUGE and buff and only a few older guys who look a little bit soft. And I hear them sometimes talking about protein powder and it makes me want to puke right on them.

So now I'm attempting to do work and it's like pulling teeth again. I sent out that paper. I know, great. But now I'm back to the whole why-am-I-doing-this-again stuff relating to the diss. Just back to blech-y here. And I'm trying not to be. But I just want it to be the evening or the weekend or some other time when I've decided it's fine to forget work altogether and not even pretend like I'm going to do anything.

De-slump, already, will ya! Maybe I'll blow off work this afternoon and go to a coffee shop and Torah study. I do have an assignment from the rabbi, after all...